Sunday, January 9, 2011

I am a FOUNT of useless information...

In a few short weeks, I’ll turn fifty years old. (Turn? Kind of makes me sound like a pint of milk.) It doesn’t bother me. As a matter of fact, I consider it a victory over all the adversarial forces attempting to block me from this goal. I’ve learned a lot in my fifty years on this planet and I’ve decided to share this wealth of knowledge on my blog. I know. Exciting, isn’t it? Please be advised that I’ve carefully researched all these items that I’m about to list and found them to be true…at least most of the time. *ahem*

Anyway – here we go:

1.  When plucking your eyebrows, make certain you are holding the CORRECT hair firmly with the tweezers because you WILL sneeze as soon as you begin to pull and it will come out leaving a bare patch –hopefully where you intended.

2.  When you place twelve socks in the dryer, only eleven socks will come out. The twelfth sock is a sacrifice to the dryer god to prevent the dryer from breaking down BEFORE the last load is dry.

3.  Speaking of socks: If you walk around the house in your sock feet, you will be the first to discover where the puppy had his accident and will also know how long ago said accident occurred by the warmth of the puddle.

4.  If you visit your doctor for stomach problems and find yourself all alone – stripped down and waiting in the examination room: as soon as you give in to the explosive urge to release flatulence, the doctor will walk in the door.

5.  You’re watching a movie you’ve been dying to see. It’s the last fifteen minutes of the flick and you’re about to find out whodunit and who’s gonna get the girl. ONE of the following will happen:

  A.  The phone will ring and from the number on caller ID, you know you can’t ignore the call.

  B.  If you’re on satellite, you will lose the signal and get a picture that looks like a mosaic and you’re missing the pieces you really need.

  C.  If you’re on cable, the power will go out.

  D.  For some unknown reason, your spouse will decide to have a meaningful conversation and expect you to respond.

6.  You’ve completed your manuscript and prepared an award winning query letter. Everyone in the tri-state area has proofed it for typos and grammar. It’s perfect and ready to send to the editor/agent of your dreams. As soon as you hit the send button and take one last glance at the file saved to your copy folder, you notice a glaring error that your six year old granddaughter would’ve caught –if only you had let HER read it.

This is just the tip of the iceberg of all I’ve learned in my first fifty years on this spinning marble. I can’t wait to see what I’m going to discover during the NEXT fifty!

37 comments:

  1. Lol - as someone in the same age category I couldn't agree more. Now will that oh so much smarter younger generation take advantage of your wisdom!

    Dale

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  2. Ha! We can definitely save them some time and worry - can't we, Dale? Hopefully, they'll listen.

    :-)

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  3. Ah, you young kids. Enjoy the countdown, Maeve!

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  4. Hahah, at the ripe old age of 26, many of those have already happened to me...the stocking feet puppy surprise, that was a rough one! Super cute post!
    Stephanie Beck

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  5. Happy upcoming Birthday! Wonderful wisdom you're sharing with us! :) I enjoyed it!

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  6. *Big Grin* Thanks for stopping by, Steph!

    :-)

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  7. Happy almost birthday. (Mine's the 13th!) (Only I'm not telling.)

    These are all totally true. That's why I DVR everything now.

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  8. LOL!~ Thank you, Nicole. I can hardly wait to see what golden nuggets the next fifty will bring.

    :-)

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  9. Wise words, Taryn! I haven't plunged into the world of DVR yet. I have enough trouble orchestrating four remotes and getting the TV to turn off and on when I want. (And Happy Almost Birthday to you too!)

    :-)

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  10. Wait till you hit sixty, you'll be a veritable wealth of information. If you can remember it.
    (grin) Happy Birthday soon! Hope you stay in your forties with the body.

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  11. Hahaha! Thanks, Mary. Maybe I should start writing things down -if I could only find that pen! Hmmm...now what was I looking for?

    ;-)

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  12. LOL - great post! I've also learned that if you anger the dryer god, he will tie all of your wife and daughters *ahem* brassieres into one large knot that takes thirty minutes to undo...

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  13. Ah - the dreaded brassiere knot of death. Be careful, Michael, many a man has gone to his demise wrestling with that chaotic mess.

    ;-)

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  14. Giving yourself a party for the big 50th, Maeve? I did! You really should consider it, because after that you don't want anybody to know about the next big landmarks.

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  15. I am old enough to consider you just a kid, Maeve. Love your words of wisdom and look forward to more. :)

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  16. And ...

    Just when you think you've washed and dried the last dish someone will walk into the kitchen and fix themselves a four course snack ... regardless of the time of day.

    No matter where you put the clothes hamper your husband will not understand that the prepositions IN and NEAR do not mean the same thing.

    It is guaranteed to rain the day you finally wash your car.

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  17. Thanks Maeve, for these amusing observations. I've given up on tweezing my brows. I'm a coupla years past you and looking forward to the day when I'll no longer have to shave my legs! My elderly (note: always AT LEAST 10 years ahead of whatever age you are!) aunts have told me that it stops growing after a 'certain age', but none were specific. I'll live in happy anticipation.

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  18. Maeve: 50? Wow...I'm sure glad I'm not that old. Oh, ooops. I forgot (that pesky selective memory again). I think there's a possibility (very remote, of course) that I may have already passed that golden moment in time.

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  19. Happy Birthday, Maeve! You look beautiful - from one Capricorn (?) to another!! In my 45 years, I've learned that eyelash curlers are an instrument of sadism. AJ

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  20. LOL. All so true, except in my case it's cat puke I step in. Happy birthday in advance. As Billy Crystal would say "You look mavelous."

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  21. You are a wealth of information. If we'd only known then what we know now! Happy Birthday, my friend. Do something special. Could be Jasper stealing the socks from the dryer god. He probably has a stash.

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  22. oh, Micheal Radcliff, we should always use a lingerie bag for brassieres. :) But more importantly, you do laundry?!?!?!? Your wife has a winner. :)
    Thanks for the great post, Maeve. Full of information and entertaining as always. :)

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  23. This just happened to me yesterday. I was watching a movie, and at a crucial point my mother called. Had I known she just wanted to complain about her sinuses, I would have let it ring. By the time I got her off the phone, the movie had gone off.

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  24. Isn't that frustrating, Shawn? But you know you've GOTTA take that call. *sigh*

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  25. I'm glad you enjoyed it, Ciara! And yes, Michael's wife has him well-trained...of course, she's been working on him for several years. ;-)

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  26. LOL! You're probably right, Victoria! Jasper is more than likely the culprit. ;-)

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  27. Hahaha Gale! I've been there with the cat puke too! I know exactly what you mean and thank you so much for the lovely compliment. :-)

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  28. Why thank you, AJ! I'm an Aquarius. The big day is February 7th.

    :-)

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  29. LOL! Samantha - it's all a state of mind - right?

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  30. Wow Fiona! I'm looking forward to that no shaving the leg age too!

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  31. You're absolutely right, Nina!

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  32. My family is plotting...er...I mean planning a party, Miriam. I'm afraid I don't have a choice in the matter!

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  33. Welcome to the half century club! It's not so bad. And margaritas help, lol.

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  34. Hahaha! Thanks, Cate! Yum - I love margaritas!

    :-)

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  35. Haha - #5 for me is that if I'm seeing the movie in a theater I usually have to go to the bathroom. And it's usually that I've been putting it off for half the movie and by this point it's not going to wait one second longer. LOL And #3 happens to me constantly, only it's with our old dog who is having problems lately.

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