Sunday, January 9, 2011

I am a FOUNT of useless information...

In a few short weeks, I’ll turn fifty years old. (Turn? Kind of makes me sound like a pint of milk.) It doesn’t bother me. As a matter of fact, I consider it a victory over all the adversarial forces attempting to block me from this goal. I’ve learned a lot in my fifty years on this planet and I’ve decided to share this wealth of knowledge on my blog. I know. Exciting, isn’t it? Please be advised that I’ve carefully researched all these items that I’m about to list and found them to be true…at least most of the time. *ahem*

Anyway – here we go:

1.  When plucking your eyebrows, make certain you are holding the CORRECT hair firmly with the tweezers because you WILL sneeze as soon as you begin to pull and it will come out leaving a bare patch –hopefully where you intended.

2.  When you place twelve socks in the dryer, only eleven socks will come out. The twelfth sock is a sacrifice to the dryer god to prevent the dryer from breaking down BEFORE the last load is dry.

3.  Speaking of socks: If you walk around the house in your sock feet, you will be the first to discover where the puppy had his accident and will also know how long ago said accident occurred by the warmth of the puddle.

4.  If you visit your doctor for stomach problems and find yourself all alone – stripped down and waiting in the examination room: as soon as you give in to the explosive urge to release flatulence, the doctor will walk in the door.

5.  You’re watching a movie you’ve been dying to see. It’s the last fifteen minutes of the flick and you’re about to find out whodunit and who’s gonna get the girl. ONE of the following will happen:

  A.  The phone will ring and from the number on caller ID, you know you can’t ignore the call.

  B.  If you’re on satellite, you will lose the signal and get a picture that looks like a mosaic and you’re missing the pieces you really need.

  C.  If you’re on cable, the power will go out.

  D.  For some unknown reason, your spouse will decide to have a meaningful conversation and expect you to respond.

6.  You’ve completed your manuscript and prepared an award winning query letter. Everyone in the tri-state area has proofed it for typos and grammar. It’s perfect and ready to send to the editor/agent of your dreams. As soon as you hit the send button and take one last glance at the file saved to your copy folder, you notice a glaring error that your six year old granddaughter would’ve caught –if only you had let HER read it.

This is just the tip of the iceberg of all I’ve learned in my first fifty years on this spinning marble. I can’t wait to see what I’m going to discover during the NEXT fifty!